[

Current Mood

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energetic

]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=se_Swf7-68M
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IXLfPcgX1U

These. are Turkish March, Beethoven and Mozart.T
he piano solo just isn't complete.
oh and the drums must not be missing!

I found a new goal: To play an orchestra single-handedly.
and that begins with studying orchestra scores ^^

[	Current Mood	|	refreshed	]
[	Current Music	|	beethoven tempest sonata	]

Have you felt so bad that you harboured thoughts of suicide?
Have you felt so pissed at someone that you actually wished someone didnt exist (yourself included)?
Oh, how weak you are.
Oh, what a horrible monster you conceal within you.
That aside, you have SO much more to improve on.
You have mood swings
You lack discipline
You are messy and it irks your parents
You dont want to get fat but you cant resist the desserts
In short, you dont do what you should do, youre imperfect.

I used to think this way. People used to reply that way.
Some think im cool and know whatever I want
but there are people who think im weaker than others too.
I break down readily, I've been on the verge of suicide and giving up on life. **

Before this, I used to do whatever I wanted and got battered by parents, life, everything around me
and ''learnt my lesson'' that I had responsibilities I should fulfill.

But no. I just didnt love myself enough. I caved in too quickly.
I learnt that after thoughts of becoming a nun, thoughts of suicide, thoughts of retaking a levels all over, all that negativity...
amidst thoughts of how I could indulge in life's pleasures, finally having time to do what I liked to but yet couldnt
ah, whatever.
Really.
Whatever.
What saves me from insanity
What keeps me alive
What keeps me active and ALIVE (yes i repeat this word, for emphasis)
is doing what my heart/brain (me) tells me to do.
Everyone is perfect. unless they choose to think otherwise *shrugs*
Being ourselves is awesome, we dont really dont have to improve whatsoever,
we have no image to maintain, we dont have things we should do.

I dont need 'constructive criticism'
i no longer need to improve myself
i no longer need self-discipline
sounds like im screwing my life huh? far from that :)
these are acts of self-love, if you would learn to accept this with me.
self-hate sets an unattainable standard of perfection, that we humans will concede that we are never going to achieve.

Do I sound self-centred? I mean I am already known to be self-centred.
But no, self-love is being selfless.
to hate oneself, or others, is synonymous. we end up the victims, we end up replete with hatred.

**it's perfectly fine if others say things about us that dont make us feel good
we dont have to improve, neither do others
after all, we dont die after listening to them
in fact after making known our freaky inside
we feel relieved, we experience an inexplicable sense of freedom
and we only feel guilty/regret doing so if we delusively think we have an image to maintain

I like to say that life's fair.
and despite all the shit that's happened throughout my lifei
maintain this view till this day.
If you were to be objective, I believe you'd think this way too :)

Life doesnt teach. We learn.
I've learnt to love shit, and myself.
When we love ourselves
we no longer deprive ourselves, nor overindulge
we no longer try to improve ourselves, or correct others
we no longer feel guilty after shopping or having desserts
we no longer feel fat or too skinny
we no longer judge and then criticise ourselves for judging
blahblah, you get the idea.

Those who feel loved arent prone to selfishness. In fact, theyre the loving ones.
mm, like how we are most keen to share what we have enough of.
agree? ;)

[

Current Mood

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anemic

]

i must not be clouded.
what ive been desiring for all along turns out to be the reward for something more important.
something.....what?

according to some web, failure is a result of creativity, and it's tentative. that's so true.
while failure challenges our learning process, at times i cant deceive myself that the process, to me,
isnt as important as the result. thats because my focus has been, all along, on the reward.
then again, should that be encouraged?
perhaps i should lay some trust in the much favoured notion that the learning process is more rewarding than attaining the final reward, though at this point in time the reward appeals to me more than anything else.
perhaps, the same reward that others perceive, isnt my final goal?

Undriven. Highly undriven.
I have been too lazy, and undriven to do any work.
But deep down i have wants. Wants remain. Which also implies that hope remains.
And only i can rescue myself from this terrible abyss. 

Piano serves to remind. It reminds me that I have to teach myself, that self-education is the only way I'm ever gonna sustain my own life. And ive always believed in self-education. Now it's time for execution.
 

Wait.

On the other hand, self-education seems to have gone underground. Without tangible grades, your efforts arent gonna be recognised. You are going nowhere, still. Why? People hardly put faith in the intangibles, all the more in today's scientific age, no?
 

This gives me hope. I just need to be clear of what im doing. IN SUMMARY, I MUST KNOW WHAT MY HEART DESIRES. yeah i do. but they are too many. OR DO I NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT? maybe..... im a sybarite. but no, no. i am fine with anything at this point in time. i just want to be free, yes free. i want to be free (from others), and i want to control (my own life).
I want anything that gives me power. And now i'm confused. where will education take me?